Episode 18: Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Introduction to people pleasing and ignoring your own needs
Description:
Episode 18 - Introduction to people pleasing and ignoring your own needs
Do you overcommit to activities or responsibilities that others ask of you? Do you ever find yourself saying yes to everything or struggling to ever say the word no to others? Maybe you often find that you are saying yes to work or personal commitments, despite having too much of a work or personal load already. Maybe you end up regretting saying yes and over-committing yourself. Or, perhaps you look back and realize that you are never taking care of your own needs because you have been so focused on pleasing others. If so, you may be experiencing People Pleasing as a Trauma Response.
So what exactly is people pleasing?
People pleasing is when a person constantly strives to please others, a people pleaser chronically over-commits to activities and responsibilities and, people pleasers have a great deal of trouble setting boundaries.
People pleasing can be a trauma response, this is a response that is motivated by fear.
Thank you for listening to todays episode! I would love to hear from you and to receive your questions and feedback.
I would value and appreciate support of my show. This will help me continue to help you - subscribe today for as little as $3.00 per month here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2364681/support
You can reach me here:
Website
Facebook
Instagram
Until the next time - warmly yours,
Renata
Transcript:
Episode 18 - Introduction to people pleasing and ignoring your own needs
Do you overcommit to activities or responsibilities that others ask of you? Do you ever find yourself saying yes to everything or struggling to ever say the word no to others? Maybe you often find that you are saying yes to work or personal commitments, despite having too much of a work or personal load already. Maybe you end up regretting saying yes and over-committing yourself. Or, perhaps you look back and realize that you are never taking care of your own needs because you have been so focused on pleasing others. If so, you may be experiencing People Pleasing as a Trauma Response.
So what exactly is people pleasing?
People pleasing is when a person constantly strives to please others, a people pleaser chronically over-commits to activities and responsibilities and, people pleasers have a great deal of trouble setting boundaries.
People pleasing can be a trauma response, this is a response that is motivated by fear.
Why does people pleasing happen in relationships and how does it contribute to a negative cycle?
When you are exposed to a punishment, rejection or even completely ignored as a child because you are not pleasing your caregivers, you may become a people-pleaser as an adult. Or, if you experience complex trauma which is a continuous traumatic experience or repeated traumatic experiences you may also become a people pleaser. The reason for this is survival. People pleasers are motivated by the basic human need for safety and acceptance. A people pleasure automatically assumes that in order to avoid punishment or abandonment, they must please another person. People-pleasing also allows them to feel seen, recognized and heard.
People pleasing out of fear can look like constantly putting others' needs and feelings above your own. People pleasing can look like gift-giving in excess - as if you need to buy and earn another person's respect and validation.
People pleasers avoid conflict at all costs, this comes at a high price of not being able to respect or enforce their own boundaries.
My story and how people pleasing has impacted me as an adult:
Due to growing up in a house of abuse, and being exposed to constant fits of rage, as well as experiencing a critical illness I became a people pleaser as a child and this continued into young adulthood. When asked to commit to social, family or work commitments I would say yes before I even knew what I was saying. It was a completely automatic response. It felt great. It felt wonderful. I was busy, I was needed and I had a purpose. Or so I thought.
After saying yes repeatedly, after committing to anything and everything I was often left with a day that only had 24 hours in it, to complete 72 hours worth of commitments.
The positive feelings that would come with saying yes, were becoming more fleeting and overcast by feelings of overwhelm, fatigue and the exhaustive effort of managing priorities. I was literally an impossible situation. I started to feel these feelings even while saying yes and eventually saying yes lost its luster completely.
I started to ask myself why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I say yes to everything? Why did I have to say yes to that? I would ask myself these questions, but nothing changed until I realized I was asking myself the wrong questions, and in the wrong way.
I would have to cancel things which I hated doing, I hated what I thought was letting people down, I would get sick so often from not prioritizing my own health and well being which led to more cancellations. I would dread and loath events and projects I once loved. Often when I would cancel things, even if I was too ill to go, my abusers would rage at me and make me feel badly.
If People-pleasing is not resolved and you become a caregiver to a child, it can lead to less present and less sensitive parenting. This results in not providing a safe and secure environment for children, and so the cycle repeats.
What have I done to break the cycle of people pleasing?
Step 1:
Acknowledging. I had to acknowledge that something was wrong, I was not happy and I was not acting for myself. It was not easy for me to do this, because this involved looking at myself in a different way and admitting that something needed to be changed. However, it was worth it, once you acknowledge that something needs to be changed, you can work on steps to correct it.
Step 2:
Making a list. Making a list of what you have committed to accomplishes many things. This allows you to see what you have actually committed to versus what is actually possible. When you hold commitments in your head it becomes hard to visualize what the whole picture looks like.
Then beside the list of what you have committed write a header that says - does this help me? It can help you in terms of your health, bringing you joy, your overall well-being, income or future income opportunities. Write a yes or a no.
This will help you see how many commitments, if any, are for you.
Step 3:
This is likely going to be the most uncomfortable and hardest step. Don’t say yes immediately. Practice saying, I need to get back to you, I will check my schedule first. Buy yourself time. You likely will not be comfortable saying No right away and I would never suggest going straight to that, it will feel too scary. For now, focus on sitting with the ask before saying yes.
My experience - how implementing the steps outlined above led to a positive outcome:
By pausing and saying “I will get back to you” or no to others, I was finally starting to say yes to myself. By learning to get comfortable being uncomfortable with setting up boundaries I was exercising a completely new, but scary muscle. Overtime, I saw the benefits, I had time for myself.
The first time I had time for myself and did not have to do something for someone else, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was so used to putting everyone else first that I had no idea how to take care of myself. This was one of the hardest parts for me and I had to keep working at it. I had to do things for myself to reduce the anxiety I would experience during “me” time.
Overtime, the results have been remarkable. I am now able to be present, I am able to prioritize my health and wellbeing - this makes me feel whole because it is coming from me and not from an outward source. I am able to say yes to myself first. By taking small steps each day, I promise, you will be able to get here too.