Episode 09: Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Introduction to the invisibility of abuse - things are not always what they seem
Description:
Todays episode is an Introduction to the invisibility of abuse. You may be wondering what happened in my household and how the abuse I endured or anyone endures, can go unseen.
Most of us are familiar with the age-old adage - things are not always what they seem. In today's world we are surrounded by social media. For the most part, users control the way the world sees them and only share positive heavily filtered (literally and figuratively) views of their life on social media. Let's go back about 40 years ago, when social media did not exist. There were no cell phones, there was no internet or household computer then. Yet even then, things were not always what they seemed and could be filtered. This is the thing about human nature, most people will only divulge what will make them safe in a crowd and part of this is because of our primal need to fit in in order to keep us safe from threats. Our primitive brain is hardwired to keep us safe, so if presenting a life that is truthful could lead to rejection which in turn equates to the risk of dying due to predators or the outside elements, of course people are not incentivised to share the harder parts of life easily. These events can remain bottled up, never to be seen by the light of day until years pass and it bubbles over. This is exactly what happened to me.
Since starting this podcast I have had countless people say to me that they had no idea what I was going through, even when I was going through it. Their impression of my childhood was completely the opposite of what it truly was. They have shared that this podcast has been eye opening and hard to hear as someone that knew me during the time I was going through what I did. This has been said to me by both close family members and friends. I completely believe what they are saying, because, things are not always what they seem.
I have a picture of me as a little girl which you can find on my social media accounts. In this picture I would say people would comment that I look happy and healthy, I even look like my basic needs are being met. The thing is though, all of this could not be further from the truth.
Thank you for listening to todays episode! I would love to hear from you and to receive your questions and feedback.
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Until the next time - warmly yours,
Renata
Transcript:
Episode 9: Introduction to the invisibility of abuse - Things are not always what they seem
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Today's episode goes deeper into what happened in the home I grew up in, this is to show what can happen, and how it can go unnoticed and un-helped so that together, we can make a positive change. If any of this is too hard for you to hear you have the power and the choice to stop listening, you can come back to it another time.
Todays episode is an Introduction to the invisibility of abuse. You may be wondering what happened in my household and how the abuse I endured or anyone endures, can go unseen.
Most of us are familiar with the age-old adage - things are not always what they seem. In today's world we are surrounded by social media. For the most part, users control the way the world sees them and only share positive heavily filtered (literally and figuratively) views of their life on social media. Let's go back about 40 years ago, when social media did not exist. There were no cell phones, there was no internet or household computer then. Yet even then, things were not always what they seemed and could be filtered. This is the thing about human nature, most people will only divulge what will make them safe in a crowd and part of this is because of our primal need to fit in in order to keep us safe from threats. Our primitive brain is hardwired to keep us safe, so if presenting a life that is truthful could lead to rejection which in turn equates to the risk of dying due to predators or the outside elements, of course people are not incentivised to share the harder parts of life easily. These events can remain bottled up, never to be seen by the light of day until years pass and it bubbles over. This is exactly what happened to me.
Since starting this podcast I have had countless people say to me that they had no idea what I was going through, even when I was going through it. Their impression of my childhood was completely the opposite of what it truly was. They have shared that this podcast has been eye opening and hard to hear as someone that knew me during the time I was going through what I did. This has been said to me by both close family members and friends. I completely believe what they are saying, because, things are not always what they seem.
I have a picture of me as a little girl which you can find on my social media accounts. In this picture I would say people would comment that I look happy and healthy, I even look like my basic needs are being met. The thing is though, all of this could not be further from the truth. I am four years old in this picture, and I am terrified everyday. I am being forced to take yet another picture looking like this. I look poised and happy because I have unwillingly become the photographer's muse. Food is being withheld in the home due to a caregivers paranoia, I’m constantly told people are watching us from outside spying on us, one of my caregivers is trying to force the other take antipsychotics not intended for them. I am yelled at and screamed at for the tiniest speck of dirt on my clothes which at the tender age of four is absurd. I don’t know a four year old who is so coordinated they never spill anything, at this age I have already started to develop my tumor and struggle with spatial awareness and coordination - yet I am yelled at for specs on my clothes. At this point there is actually always yelling and screaming and banging and crashing in the home. Home or what I knew as home is starting to become more unstable because the intensity of this type of activity is increasing, and it is happening 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I am told I am very special and precious and that I am without a doubt the daughter of Jesus. Even at age four when most young minds consider what their caregivers say is always right and must be true - I knew what was said to me did not make sense, and I knew the pressure put on me to live up to that role was unrealistic, crushing and completely wrong. Books are placed in the oven to be burned because they are considered evil by one of my caregivers. Finally, finally, police are called to prevent the burning down of the house, and no authorities checked on me as a child, not one.
The majority of people in my life back then had no idea this even happened. When they came over for holidays, play dates, dinners and visits - a home of peace, of fun and delicious food was presented to them. We were a completely different family when others were around. This presentation didn’t stop with visitors, out in public it was the same thing, at doctor's visits, on field trips, on vacations anytime there were outsiders the chaos was hidden.
I performed well in school, I am bright so I figured out how to manage school work but I was also a perfectionist motivated by being terrified of bringing home anything less than perfect. I was shy until Grade 9, yet still social and could maintain friendships. I never acted out for fear of the consequences at home. I am sharing this because outwardly I looked like a child that was thriving, inwardly I was suffering.
One of the results of what I have been through is a hypersensitivity to others, it may also be considered hypervigilance. I can acutely and accurately sense emotions, I can understand reactions and body language. I can sense when someone is dangerous and when someone is in danger, and I am always right. I remember a psychiatrist telling me that I had a gift, the same one that she had and I was so confused, even a bit resentful- this was not a gift to me. It felt like a prison sentence in away, I did not want anyone else's feelings I had enough to deal with on my own. But now, many years later, I understand what she meant. It is an incredibly special gift that I use for good.
What have I done to break the cycle of the invisibility of abuse?
Step 1:
Talking about it. This podcast is a platform for me to reach those that need to hear about childhood abuse. Even if some of the content is hard to hear and even uncomfortable, it needs to be talked about. Discomfort is a catalyst for change. Nothing will ever be changed if we stay silent about injustice and pain and no child deserves to go through what I did.
Step 2:
Taking action. Sitting in fear and anger and pain about my past no longer serves me, it is paralyzing and uses up an incredible amount of energy. My focus, and my passion, is on the future and how I can help others by getting information out in a tangible way that has impact.
Step 3:
Starting a movement. This is where I need your help. I know I am not the only cycle breaker and change maker out there. Please join me in being proud of what you have contributed to the cycle breaking process and share it with others. I will be starting a campaign #cyclebreakerchangemaker to give you the opportunity to share at the level you are comfortable with how you broke a cycle.