Episode 42: The Pain Behind the Smile: A Deep Dive into Hidden Abuse
Description:
In Episode 9, I introduced the idea that abuse is not always visible. That what happens behind closed doors can be completely at odds with the images we present to the outside world. And that’s what I want to explore with you today: the hidden pain, the internalized fear, and the façade that many of us learned to wear in order to survive.
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Renata
Transcript:
Hello and welcome back to Cycle Breaker and Change Maker. I’m Renata Ortega, and today we’re diving deeper into a topic that has sparked so many emotional responses—the invisibility of abuse.
In Episode 9, I introduced the idea that abuse is not always visible. That what happens behind closed doors can be completely at odds with the images we present to the outside world. And that’s what I want to explore with you today: the hidden pain, the internalized fear, and the façade that many of us learned to wear in order to survive.
This is a sensitive topic, so I invite you to listen with care and compassion—for yourself, and for those around you. And remember, if this episode ever becomes too much, you are allowed to pause, step away, and return when you are ready.
Why Is Abuse So Often Invisible?
Because we are wired for survival. And survival sometimes looks like silence, like smiles that don’t quite reach the eyes, like "everything’s fine" when nothing is.
When you grow up in a home where danger is a daily visitor, you learn quickly how to mask your pain. Maybe you did well in school. Maybe you were the kid who made everyone laugh, or who never caused a fuss. Maybe you were praised for being so "resilient."
But here’s the truth that no one talks about enough: Being resilient shouldn’t have been required of you in the first place.
What Invisibility Looks Like
I shared in Episode 9 about a photo of me at age four. A happy-looking child. Clean. Smiling. A picture-perfect moment.
But behind that picture were the cracks in the foundation—paranoia, neglect, screaming matches in the night, books burned in the oven, and terrifying instability that no one came to check on.
Why didn’t anyone notice?
Because I became an expert in hiding. Many of us do. We learn to polish the outside so no one asks about the inside.
Abuse hides in plain sight. And that’s exactly what makes it so dangerous—and so painful to talk about. You start to question your own reality. “If no one else saw it, did it really happen?” Yes. It did. And your experience is valid.
How This Creates Negative Cycles
When abuse is invisible, it’s also often invalidated.
You may have grown up believing that your pain didn’t count. That because no one else acknowledged it, you should just move on. You may even have been praised for how “well” you were doing.
But unacknowledged abuse doesn’t disappear—it buries itself deep in your nervous system, your beliefs, your relationships.
You might find yourself:
● Minimizing your own experiences
● Staying silent when mistreated
● Choosing unsafe people because you’re used to the chaos
● Feeling guilty for wanting boundaries or space
This is the cycle. It keeps us small. It keeps us silent.
My Experience
Even as I was experiencing severe trauma in my home, no one knew. I became a master at looking like I had it all together. And for a long time, I fooled even myself.
It wasn’t until I started speaking about it—really speaking, without shame—that people began to understand. Some were shocked. Others were heartbroken. But all of them said the same thing: “I had no idea.”
This is why I speak out. Because if you’re listening to this and thinking, “No one saw what I went through either,” I want you to hear this:
Just because no one saw it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And it certainly doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
Steps to Break the Cycle of Invisible Abuse
Let’s talk about how to begin healing when your abuse was unseen, unheard, or denied.
Step 1: Acknowledge the truth of your story.
Not what others saw. Not what they said. What you felt. What you remember. If you need to, write it down. Paint it. Say it out loud. Give it weight. Give it space.
Step 2: Validate your experience.
You don’t need someone else’s permission to believe what happened. Abuse doesn’t need bruises to be real. Emotional, psychological, spiritual abuse—it all counts. Your pain counts.
Step 3: Create safety in the present.
When no one protected you back then, it can be deeply healing to protect yourself now. That might look like setting boundaries, saying no, or removing yourself from people who deny your experience.
Step 4: Build a support system that sees you.
Choose people who listen without minimizing. Who believe you. Who say, “I’m sorry that happened. I believe you.” That sentence can be life-changing.
Moving Forward
You might not have had a witness to your pain back then, but I see you now.
I see the strength it takes to carry invisible wounds.
I see the courage it takes to look at your past without turning away.
I see the change you’re making just by listening, reflecting, and acknowledging your story.
You are not alone. And you never have to hide again.
Closing
If this episode resonated with you, I want to encourage you to take the next small step in your healing—whether that’s journaling, reaching out to someone, or simply sitting with your truth.
And if you’re ready to break the cycle of silence, I’m here with you. Every step of the way.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for being brave. And thank you for continuing to do the work of a cycle breaker and a change maker.
Until next time, I’m Renata Ortega. You are seen. You are heard. And you are healing.