Episode 46: The Armour of Hyper-Independence — And How to Finally Take It Off a Deep Dive into Episode 12
Description:
Today, we’re unpacking something that gets mislabeled as strength but often masks something much deeper: hyper-independence.
You know that voice in your head that says, “I don’t need anyone. I’ve got this. I can do it all myself”? That might feel empowering at first glance—but if you look closely, it might be rooted in a wound, not wisdom.
Today’s episode is about taking a closer, compassionate look at that voice, and understanding what it’s protecting—and what it’s preventing.
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Renata
Transcript:
🎙️ Episode Title: The Armour of Hyper-Independence — And How to Finally Take It Off
Hi friend, and welcome back to Cycle Breaker and Change Maker with Renata Ortega. Today, we’re unpacking something that gets mislabeled as strength but often masks something much deeper: hyper-independence.
You know that voice in your head that says, “I don’t need anyone. I’ve got this. I can do it all myself”? That might feel empowering at first glance—but if you look closely, it might be rooted in a wound, not wisdom.
Today’s episode is about taking a closer, compassionate look at that voice, and understanding what it’s protecting—and what it’s preventing.
🧱 Hyper-Independence: A Trauma Response, Not a Personality Trait
Let’s get one thing straight: hyper-independence isn’t your fault. It’s your adaptation.
When your needs were consistently unmet, when vulnerability was punished or dismissed, you learned something painful and powerful: it’s safer not to rely on anyone.
So you adapted. You became the person who never asks for help, who handles everything, who keeps it together for everyone else. And on the outside? That looks like strength. It looks like success. People even praise you for it.
But on the inside? You feel exhausted. Isolated. Maybe even resentful.
Because here’s the hard truth: hyper-independence may protect your wounds, but it also prevents your healing.
🧠 The Nervous System Behind Hyper-Independence
Let’s talk about the nervous system for a moment.
When you’ve experienced relational trauma, especially in childhood, your nervous system adapts to prioritize safety over connection.
You may lean into:
● Fight: controlling every situation.
● Flight: escaping emotional entanglements.
● Freeze: numbing your needs.
● Fawn: caretaking others while ignoring your own needs.
But with hyper-independence, what you’re really doing is taking flight—from closeness, from support, from vulnerability.
This is your nervous system saying, “People are unpredictable. Relying on them is risky. You’re safest alone.”
And maybe that was true in the past. But is it still true now?
🪞 A Personal Reflection
I want to share something with you.
For a long time, I wore my independence like a badge of honor. I thought needing help was weakness. I thought asking for support made me burdensome. And most of all—I believed that if I let someone in, they’d leave… or hurt me.
So I kept my walls up. I was the helper. The strong one. The one who never cracked.
But behind that strength was a lonely, tired, and scared version of me. A younger me. One who desperately needed someone to say, “You don’t have to do this alone.”
When I finally let people show up for me—when I let myself fall apart in safe spaces—I found something I didn’t know I was missing: relational healing.
🚫 Hyper-Independence Isn’t Always Respected
Let’s talk about how the world treats hyper-independence.
It’s rewarded in our culture. We celebrate “self-made” success. We praise the grind. We admire people who “don’t complain” and “don’t ask for anything.”
But what’s missing from that narrative is the cost.
Hyper-independence can:
● Sabotage intimacy.
● Create burnout.
● Lead to loneliness masked as self-sufficiency.
● Trigger a sense of failure when you finally do need help.
You’re not weak for needing others. You’re human. And healing doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in safe connection.
💡 Healing the Wound: A Path to Interdependence
So how do we shift from hyper-independence to healthy interdependence?
Let’s walk through it:
1. Identify the Origin Story
Ask yourself: When did I first learn it wasn’t safe to need others? Was it a parent who always let you down? A friend who betrayed you? A time when your vulnerability was met with cruelty?
Understanding the origin helps you meet your hyper-independence with compassion, not shame.
2. Notice the Narrative
What do you tell yourself when you want to ask for help? That you’re weak? That you’re a burden?
Write those thoughts down. Then ask: Would I say this to a child I love? If the answer is no, it’s time to rewrite that narrative.
3. Practice Safe Vulnerability
Start small. Ask for help with something low-stakes. Let a friend bring you dinner. Let your partner hold space for you when you’re sad.
Then watch what happens. Let yourself receive. Let your nervous system learn that support is safe now.
4. Build a Circle, Not a Fortress
You don’t need a fortress. You need a circle. A safe, chosen family of people who’ve earned your trust—who’ve shown they can hold your heart gently.
And yes, that takes time. And yes, it’s worth it.
🌱 From Surviving Alone to Healing Together
Here’s what I want you to take away today:
Hyper-independence kept you safe. But now? You’re allowed to want more than survival.
You’re allowed to soften.
You’re allowed to lean.
You’re allowed to be held.
And if that feels scary, that’s okay. Courage isn’t the absence of fear—it’s choosing connection anyway.
💌 A Note to Your Younger Self
To the version of you who had to grow up too fast…
Who learned to never ask…
Who picked up the pieces alone…
You were doing the best you could. You were brilliant in your survival.
But now, you deserve to thrive. You deserve softness, support, and love that doesn’t cost your safety.
Thank you for being here with me today. This work isn’t easy—but you’re doing it. You’re unlearning, you’re healing, and you’re rewriting the rules.
Until next time, take care of that brave, tender heart of yours. You’re never truly alone here.
