Episode 45: When Sorry Never Comes – Breaking Free from the Cycle of Denied Accountability a Deep Dive into Episode 10
Description:
Today, we’re going beyond the introduction to “lack of accountability” and taking a deep, healing dive into how the absence of accountability in relationships can shape your reality—and how to reclaim your truth, your peace, and your power when that apology never comes.
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Transcript:
🎙️ Episode Title: When Sorry Never Comes – Breaking Free from the Cycle of Denied Accountability
Hello and welcome back to Cycle Breaker and Change Maker with Renata Ortega. I’m so grateful you're here today, especially for this important conversation. Today, we’re going beyond the introduction to “lack of accountability” and taking a deep, healing dive into how the absence of accountability in relationships can shape your reality—and how to reclaim your truth, your peace, and your power when that apology never comes.
🌪️ When Reality Gets Rewritten
Have you ever sat with someone and finally found the courage to tell them how they hurt you—only to be met with denial? Or worse, with blame?
That spinning sensation that follows is more than confusion—it’s emotional vertigo. When someone refuses to take accountability, they’re rewriting the script of your shared history, casting themselves as the victim and you as unreliable. It’s one of the most manipulative dynamics in emotionally abusive relationships. It can leave you second-guessing your memories, your feelings, and even your sanity.
This is called gaslighting. And for trauma survivors, gaslighting doesn’t just hurt—it unearths buried shame, triggers old wounds, and can even send you spiraling back into survival mode.
🧠 The Psychology Behind Accountability Avoidance
Let’s talk about what’s really going on. A person who refuses to take responsibility often has an extremely low tolerance for shame. That’s not the same as guilt. Shame says, “I am bad,” while guilt says, “I did something bad.” When someone can't tolerate shame, they’ll do anything—deny, deflect, distort—to avoid feeling it.
And here's the clincher: if this person never healed from their own trauma, especially trauma laced with intense criticism or rejection, they may not have the tools to sit with the discomfort of being wrong.
But listen carefully: you are not responsible for managing another person’s shame. That’s their work. Not yours.
🔁 The Pain of the Endless Loop
Many trauma survivors become stuck in a painful cycle—forever waiting for the apology that will never come. And it’s heartbreaking because we think if we just explain it one more time… if we word it perfectly… maybe then they’ll see. Maybe then we’ll get the closure we so desperately crave.
But let me tell you something I learned the hard way: sometimes the absence of an apology is your answer.
I’ve been there. I’ve heard, “I’m sorry… but,” and I’ve also heard nothing at all. I’ve heard twisted retellings of events where suddenly I was the aggressor, the liar, the emotional one.
And I started to believe them—until I realized I was being manipulated into questioning my truth. And that’s where the real damage lives.
🛑 When the Apology Isn’t for You
Even when an abuser offers an apology, it’s not always what it seems. Often, it’s a performance—an attempt to soothe their own conscience or salvage their image. You may walk away from it feeling more confused than comforted.
That’s because true accountability involves ownership, not just words. It’s followed by changed behavior, by effort, by reflection. An apology without accountability is just a sedative—it numbs the pain but never heals it.
So, what do you do when the people who hurt you will never own what they did?
💪 The Power of Owning Your Own Story
You do what all cycle breakers do—you reclaim your narrative.
Here’s how:
Step 1: Acknowledge the Absence
Say it out loud: I may never get the apology I deserve. It’s painful, but it’s also empowering. Because waiting for an apology puts your healing in someone else’s hands. Acknowledging its absence puts it back in yours.
Step 2: Redefine Closure
Closure doesn’t always come from them. It can come from you. From your decision to no longer let their denial dictate your healing. Closure can be the act of saying: I know what happened. I don’t need you to confirm it.
Step 3: Hold Others Accountable
From this point on, we practice accountability—both in how we give it and how we demand it.
Start small. When someone wrongs you, say it: “That hurt me.” Observe their response. Do they listen? Apologize? Deflect? Walk away?
And if they don’t respond with care and respect? That’s your answer. That’s your data. That’s your cue to protect yourself.
Step 4: Build a Life Where Truth is Safe
Surround yourself with people who can say, “I hear you. I’m sorry. That wasn’t okay.” These people exist. They may not have raised you, they may not be your blood—but they are your healing family. And their presence will prove to you that your memories, your feelings, and your pain are valid.
🔄 My Journey with Feedback and Shame
I want to share something personal with you.
For years, I struggled with feedback—even constructive feedback—because I associated it with danger. Growing up, being told I made a mistake didn’t lead to calm conversations. It led to explosions. So I became a perfectionist. I didn’t expect perfection from others—only from myself. Because in my mind, mistakes equaled risk.
It wasn’t until someone told me, “Feedback is a gift,” that something shifted.
I started practicing. Letting others tell me how I could grow. And now, I ask for feedback because I see it as a sign of safety and respect. That shift didn’t happen overnight, but I promise—it can happen for you too.
🛤️ Moving Forward
Today’s deep dive has one central message: your healing is not dependent on anyone else's accountability.
Your truth is valid—even if they deny it.
Your pain is real—even if they pretend it never happened.
And your healing? It belongs to you. And you alone.
If this resonated with you, take a moment today to write yourself a new truth: a truth where your worth is not defined by someone else's denial, and where your healing does not depend on an apology.
Thank you for being here, and thank you for doing the hard, beautiful work of breaking cycles. I see you, and I honor your strength.
Until next time, take gentle care.
